I know I’ve been a little slack about posting lately. What can I say, I wore myself out doing all the video stuff.
In addition to a few braless babes, I’ve had my eye on sextoys lately. The search for the novel, the outrageous, the titillating, the awesome, the oh-my-gosh-ya-gotta-be-kidding. And I found a few that I earmarked for sharing. Honestly, some are so perverted I dare not share.
1) Full stroke sex machine
I know at first glance this thing looks like it would be more appropriate for the ladies. And in full disclosure, my first exposure to it was when I bought it for my lady. But come to find out, the manufacturer makes a zillion different attachments. This particular kit comes with 8 attachments. One of them is like a fleshlight thing. And it wasn’t long, my good friends and neighbors, before I lubed up and slid in. The beauty of this thing is it does all the work. I can just lay there and it strokes me. I’m not that big on vibrations, and that’s why I like this machines pumping/stroking action.
And by the way, if you turn it all the way up, prepare to get your brains boffed out. I would like to think after a few decades of wanking my own weenie I had seen it all. But this thing at full tilt is literally more than I can handle!
2) Electric shock stick
Yeah, I know this is freaky with a capital F. But get out of your own head, and broaden your horizons, and check this thing out. They sell it as an “acupuncture” thing, but in some places you will see it advertised as a legit sex toy. Whether you are using it on yourself or your hunny, you can dial up anywhere from a 1 setting to a 9 setting. The 1 is sort of like, hmm that feels odd. The 9 is more like, ohmygodyouareelectrocutingme. It uses a simple AA battery, isn’t very expensive, so it should be added to everyone’s arsenal.
3) Tablet masturbator
I actually got one of these from one of my dirty uncles as a Christmas gift. Yeah, I have a f’d up family. Everybody had their laughs, but when the crowds departed and I tried this thing out…
IT WAS AWESOME!
I’m too cheap to buy a real ipad or a real fleshlight. But my normal, el-cheapo tablet fits just fine in the dock. And my regular rubber masturbator sleve fits too (I tweaked it by rolling it into a washcloth before clipping it into place). Although the promo picture below is a little generic, let me describe to you how I fell in love with this thing. Que up your favorite sex scene. I’ve found POV stuff works, um, really really well. Looking down while you are pumping away, especially with a two-handed grip on thing is sort of magical!
4) Heavy-duty sex doll
I started out calling this “full-size”, but then I realized it was misleading. It is only about 2 feet tall in the boobs to butt dimension. So I guess I really shouldn’t say full-size, more like life-size. In the areas where it counts, it’s the right size!
Sometimes I just want to bang something. Not like with my hand, but actually get some hip motion in and hold a big lump of (semi-realistic) womanflesh on the bed and bang it. And whoa-buddy, this life size doll works for that.
I actually can’t post the photos here without getting a chubby and wanting to lube mine up and slip right in. Oh, and the design allows for you to um, pic the hole. This is 20 or 25 lbs of silicone that is ready to take a licking and keep on ticking.
5) Under bed restraints
Yep, sometimes I like to tie her up. These things have a few things going for them.
a) The are quite strong, and work great.
b) They are easy to install/uninstall. I can usually set them up in just two or three minutes, and pull them up to hide them in the same amount of time.
c) They are not expensive.
I have lots of different restraint systems, but this is sort of a staple, so I think errrbody ought to buy a set.
6) Labia spreader
Yep, this product is a little weird. I’m a little weird too, if you haven’t noticed.
I like to get my nose/lips/tongue up in there. And it always makes the gals feel taken care of when I break out some equipment to keep them spread open while I do my community service.
Admit it, you’ve probable never seen a labia spreader before. And that’s exactly why you should check it out. I’m here to open up your mind.
Not as outrageous as some of the other sex toys you see here, but at least as important is storage. Nobody wants nosy busy-bodies prowling through their stuff. I keep mine locked up in my pervert trunk. That’s where I put all my perverted stuff. And truth be told, I have several trunks. Cause I’m a major pervert and I have lots of stuff I need to lock up.
So this is a giant, lockable trunk.
I prefer the Plano stuff. They are very solid. You can stand or sit on these, and stack them with no problem.
You probably want to buy a keyed padlock or a combination lock, too.
8) Keychain cam
Another slight dodge down the path of sextoys, but I like my keychain cam.
I have a thing for watching myself do the deed. And the purty ladies I hang out with all love to be surreptitiously recorded when they are nekkid and moaning.
This particular one is better than some of the garbage I’ve tried. It has a 350 mAh battery which is good for up to 2 hours of recording. I used mine with a 64 Mb SD card. It shoots in 1920×1080 resolution at 30 frames per second.
The quality of the video is quite good, and the audio is always my favorite part.
9) Sex bench
Strap her down and make her frown, that’s my motto.
So the bad news is, this does tend to take up quite a bit of room. The good news is, anybody that walks through my house just thinks of it as a clothes drying rack, because I usually have laundry draped all over it.
This elegant little beast holds 400 lbs and is very stable. The height is just right. And once she’s strapped in, she’s gonna love it!
10) C-ring plus one
My final item for the list is for the sophisticated male (that’s me) who ain’t afraid to let his freak flag fly.
I’m not really into c-rings, and I’m not really into vibrations. Let me assure you, this is an awesome exception.
The straps are stretchy and feel excellent when they squeeze your johnson and your scrote. Then there’s the taint stimulator. Ohhh yeah… there’s that.
Put this on right before you get busy with your lady, and you will soon find yourself wagging your ass around like a happy canine. That taint licker/stimulator is something you will chase around. I, uh, well…it’s hard to describe. Trust me on this one.