The sextoy industry has grown enormously in the last 10 years. There are lots of reasons for this…

1) Availability
The ability to order online means that you no longer have to find a local store (that sells sextoys) and walk in there between the hours of 8a and 5p.

2) Privacy
The internet also allows folks who wouldn’t normally be bold enough to go to an adult novelty store or go through a checkout lane with a perverted purchase to do so discreetly, with nobody the wiser.

3) Technology
There is some really cool stuff that has come out, from bluetooth remote access to virtual reality to artificial intelligence hummers!

It’s interesting how sometimes toys or technology developed for guys transfers over to females, or vice versa.

I have recently become a fan of grinding toys.

My girlfriend introduced one to our bedroom a few months ago. She flopped it onto the bed and used it while I watched. The grinding device she was using was called a Honeybunch, but that’s not the point.

I ain’t afraid to admit I like my taint played with. The “cock ring plus one” that I showed you in #10 in this post might have been my coming out party. Lots of straight guys who like boobs and drool over women like their butts played with.

So one thing led to another, and I tried a grinding toy called the “rocks off”. It was quite enjoyable, and led to a rather explosive ending.

It’s not penetrative, it’s just meant to rub and grind on. It has a rounded bulge on one side of the groove, and a ridged fin on the other side.

Although there are plenty of ways to skin this cat, after a bit of experimentation, I found the following set-up to be ideal:
1. I put the toy on a firm pillow.
2. I put the pillow right in front of my girlfriend with her legs spread.
3. I pour copious amounts of water-based lube on the toy.
4. I straddle the pillow and toy, with the round bulge on my taint and the ribbed fin on my butthole.
5. I grind on the toy while I’m penetrating my girlfriend.

Now of course, with no girlfriend, you can do the same type of action while just masturbating.

It’s made out of silicone, which is a premium material that is easy to clean (quite necessary once I get through with it, trust me), and body safe with no crazy chemicals that can leach into my nether-regions.

Wow, let me tell you, this thing is incredible. Did I mention both sections vibrate, and can be controlled independently? Ohhh yeahhhhh.

Now look, I don’t always want something jammed between my buttcheeks or tickling my taint. I don’t roll this thing out of the sextoy drawer every single time. But it’s there when I want it, and I’m loving it.

Oh yeah, it’s time.

Time once again for me to deviate from the braless boobs you all love and delve instead into the weird world of sextoys.

Although I like collecting (and occasionally using) unique sex toys, I simply cannot pass up a good gander at the latest and greatest. And based on feedback from the fans, you guys (and gals) are the same way.

So let’s see what I’ve come across lately that is off the beaten path…

1) 8″ Long Tongue

How about an 8″ long tongue?

No, we aren’t hearkening back to the days of Kiss, where Gene Simmons would wag his licker and make women stare. Shoot, Gene was only packing what 4″ or 5″?

I can think of several uses for this thing, whether you’re a guy or a girl. And what’s awesome is the thought that you would whip this thing out when you get your date home and her eyes would bug out of her head! Also, this is nearly unbeatable as a party gag gift.

2) Ball Dildo

You know what you need in your life? A ball dildo.

No, I am not making this up. Apparently this new device straps to your ballsack and then you can boff your favorite friend using a dildo attached to your balls.

This is quite innovative. I hope they patented this. I mean, I’ve been doing perverted things for like 100 years now, and I never really thought about attempting some kind of penetration with deeze nutz.

3) Nutsack Cooling Pack

While we are on the topic of balls, how about this thing for the greatest idea ever?

Nobody likes schweaty balls. You know how sometimes you are sitting at your desk, or god forbid sitting in your car, and you’re hot and you get swampass and your balls are basically dripping? I think there’s even a song about that – I can hear Sandra Bullock singing the line about sweat dripping down her balls in that movie The Proposal even now.

Basically this thing slides right under your balls and turns the damn thermostat down. I’m considering it a sextoy, because research has shown that testicles that are kept properly cool produce 28% more sperm. They actually call this thing a “male fertility kit”. Now, you and I may not want to be going around making more babies, but errrbody likes to spooge a big load.

4) Sextoy Warmer

Okay, gather around cause I’m about to give you the scoop on some pro-level shit here.

You think you’re pretty slick because you’ve got your Fleshlight or your generic masturbation sleeve, and you’ve got your lube, and when the need or the opportunity arises you can bust that thing and and slide it right in with less than 0.2 seconds on the clock.

But that’s for newbies. That’s for c-level bros, boring amateurs.

The real pros know details matter. You aren’t a wine aficionado because you can gulp down half a bottle of wine in one chug and then belch like a Tennessee redneck. No, you gotta smell the cork. You gotta swirl the wine around in the glass and let it breathe. You gotta take a small sip, and then squish it from one cheek to the next to get the full flavor.

Well the Fleshlight pros warm them up first. Yep, that’s right – you get that extra little “ahhhh” moment when you slide it into a nice warm pocket.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should get one of these things and try it. And if you do know what I’m talking about, well congrats my man because you are in the elite 1% !

5) Clitoral Pumping System

Okay, I’ll leave the balls alone for a minute and we’ll spend some time on the clit.

Your female friend has one, trust me on this. You may not know where to find it, but it’s there, and she wants you to do things to it. Touch it, bump against it, rub it, lick it, you name it. You only thought she wanted you to mess around with her vagina. The clit, in reality, is where it’s at.

And most women are going to dick this clit pumper. It is not that much different from how the male toys that provide suction work. You know how you pump your johnson up, and it gets bigger and more sensitive? Well, that’s exactly how the clit pump works.

Do do yourself a favor, and get one of these. Yes, in reality you’re doing your female friend a favor. But once you pump her clit up to a size that actually allows you to find it, and once you make that thing 2x or 3x more sensitive, you are going to give her live fifty bazillion orgasms, and in so doing you will actually be doing yourself a favor.

You may turn that gal into a stage five clinger!

6) Tentacle Glass Dong

I’m partial to glass dildos. They are easy to clean because they don’t absorb lube or body fluids. They don’t rip or tear or delaminate. Once they are lubed up, they are ready for action.

And call me a pervert, but I like unique shapes. Like this one.

It basically looks like an octopus tentacle. It has little nubs and ridges all over it, which are going to make for a fun time on the way in and on the way out. I like the little curly-Q on the end, that way when I use it when it’s all lubed up and slippery I don’t lose my grip, and I can really manhandle the thing. I even like the color and the fancy box it comes it. It’s almost like it’s a piece of art. That, uh, you do dirty things with.

7) Penis Stretcher

The final item for today is the penis stretcher.

I know some of you have seen these around, and are thinking what’s so unique or special enough to include them on this list?

Well, regardless of how big (you claim) your johnson is, it is a strategic advantage to have an even bigger one. Your partner will have more to enjoy, and that means you’re going to enjoy it more too.

There’s ample research to show these things work. Hell, there were tribes in Africa using a similar approach hundreds of years ago.

There are several different versions out there. The one I’m showing here is relatively inexpensive, and it’s almost like an investment that will pay dividends for years to come.

Other reviews:
10 Outrageous Sextoys You Should Not Live Without – Kinky!
6 Weird Sex Toys Devices Ya Gotta See To Believe

Maybe you don’t know me very well, but it’s safe to assume I’m a sex toy expert.

I’m a middle-aged pervert, and that means I’ve had plenty of years to kick around the dark, dusty corners of the world (and the internet), discovering the some weird stuff.

What the heck, I might as well share some of it with you!

1) The dual-purpose clit-sucker
Some women like their clit to be directly stimulated. Some women like penetration. Hmm, how about a device that does both? Or better yet, instead of vibrating, what if it actually vibrates and sucks? Oh lordy, some genius came up with this thing and women who try it are pretty much ruined forever.

One time I had a girlfriend. I know, wonders never cease. And I bought this for her. And she broke up with me because she didn’t need me any more.

Her eyes would literally roll back in her head. Have you seen Poltergeist? Yep, just like that. Check it out and see what ya think, but be forewarned.

2) Inflatable penis fight
I know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would I buy an inflatable penis? Hold up, let me tell you how this works.

I was at a party and somebody busted these things out. Women love, capital “L-O-V-E” pretending like they have dicks. Especially after they’ve had a few drinks.

They like strapping things on, and wagging and thrusting their hips around. Yes, they giggle and laugh. But deep down inside, just for a few minutes, they feel a tiny bit like the mythical MAN, and they love it.

Every time a woman plays with one of these things, she goes and humps the bezeezus out of a dude afterwards. It’s like magic.

3) A pocket pussy… with teeth
Forget what everybody else says. All those dudes saying they like their ladies with dentures so they can take them out for the best head? Nope. Wrong.

I like a little teeth. And you do too. Or at least you will if you try it.

And isn’t this the freakiest yet coolest thing?? See the tongue? And the teeth?

I had to buy one of these just for the novelty of it.

4) Wireless camera dildo
Hey, don’t kinkshame me here. I know this is weird shit. If you don’t like my weird shit, just focus on your own weird shit.

I think this thing is awesome. It is a an 8″ long dildo that also vibrates and has a camera on the end.

They call the camera a “slime-eye” camera, which makes me crack up and giggle like a pothead.

It is wireless up to like 100′. When your ladyfriend jams this where the sun don’t shine, have no fear cause’ this little beauty has 4 LED lights that will keep you abreast of things.

By the way, the app allows you to take screenshots or record video. Ahhhhwesome…

5) The big dong extension
Let’s pretend assume my dick is average-sized.

Who hasn’t dreamed about having a gigantic one? I mean like a monster in yo britches.

I wish I had one so big that it was hard to get in. And when it finally went in, the ladies would say something along the lines of “Oh! Ow! Oh my gosh!” You get the idea.

Wellll… this is what I like using.

This behemoth is almost 9″ long and realllly wide and makes everybody moan and gasp.

6) The milker
Holy shit: buckle up and hold on to your hats, boys!

I like sticking my dick in things. I’m a dude, sue me. I am genetically programmed to put this manly magic wand of mine into every nook and cranny I can find.

The “milker” definitely has the right name. Stick your johnson in there and let it go to work. It is automatic, which (depending on my mood) is my preference. But what I like most about this thing is it both strokes and sucks.

The case that holds all of the stuff also has a big pump thing in it. You connect the air line to the masturbator sleeve. All of the necessary stuff is included in the kit. When you turn it on… the damn angels start singing.

The membrane grips, squeezes, strokes, and sucks. I honestly don’t know how they do this, but it’s goddam amazing. It’s like a hand and a mouth doing their thing all at the same time. Yesssss!

You are probably tempted to click on this link and find out how much this little box of perfection costs. If you are going to do that, I gotta warn you. Prepare yourself. It’ ain’t cheap. The rusty Yugo I drive cost less than this thing. But think about it differently. If you amortized the cost of this lovebox over the number of orgasms it will give you, it’s only like $.50 per orgasm. Not bad at all, hahahaha.
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Hint – if you like this kind of stuff, you can check out my previous perverted products review here.

I know I’ve been a little slack about posting lately. What can I say, I wore myself out doing all the video stuff.

In addition to a few braless babes, I’ve had my eye on sextoys lately. The search for the novel, the outrageous, the titillating, the awesome, the oh-my-gosh-ya-gotta-be-kidding. And I found a few that I earmarked for sharing. Honestly, some are so perverted I dare not share.

1) Full stroke sex machine
I know at first glance this thing looks like it would be more appropriate for the ladies. And in full disclosure, my first exposure to it was when I bought it for my lady. But come to find out, the manufacturer makes a zillion different attachments. This particular kit comes with 8 attachments. One of them is like a fleshlight thing. And it wasn’t long, my good friends and neighbors, before I lubed up and slid in. The beauty of this thing is it does all the work. I can just lay there and it strokes me. I’m not that big on vibrations, and that’s why I like this machines pumping/stroking action.

And by the way, if you turn it all the way up, prepare to get your brains boffed out. I would like to think after a few decades of wanking my own weenie I had seen it all. But this thing at full tilt is literally more than I can handle!

2) Electric shock stick
Yeah, I know this is freaky with a capital F. But get out of your own head, and broaden your horizons, and check this thing out. They sell it as an “acupuncture” thing, but in some places you will see it advertised as a legit sex toy. Whether you are using it on yourself or your hunny, you can dial up anywhere from a 1 setting to a 9 setting. The 1 is sort of like, hmm that feels odd. The 9 is more like, ohmygodyouareelectrocutingme. It uses a simple AA battery, isn’t very expensive, so it should be added to everyone’s arsenal.

3) Tablet masturbator
I actually got one of these from one of my dirty uncles as a Christmas gift. Yeah, I have a f’d up family. Everybody had their laughs, but when the crowds departed and I tried this thing out…

IT WAS AWESOME!

I’m too cheap to buy a real ipad or a real fleshlight. But my normal, el-cheapo tablet fits just fine in the dock. And my regular rubber masturbator sleve fits too (I tweaked it by rolling it into a washcloth before clipping it into place). Although the promo picture below is a little generic, let me describe to you how I fell in love with this thing. Que up your favorite sex scene. I’ve found POV stuff works, um, really really well. Looking down while you are pumping away, especially with a two-handed grip on thing is sort of magical!

4) Heavy-duty sex doll
I started out calling this “full-size”, but then I realized it was misleading. It is only about 2 feet tall in the boobs to butt dimension. So I guess I really shouldn’t say full-size, more like life-size. In the areas where it counts, it’s the right size!

Sometimes I just want to bang something. Not like with my hand, but actually get some hip motion in and hold a big lump of (semi-realistic) womanflesh on the bed and bang it. And whoa-buddy, this life size doll works for that.

I actually can’t post the photos here without getting a chubby and wanting to lube mine up and slip right in. Oh, and the design allows for you to um, pic the hole. This is 20 or 25 lbs of silicone that is ready to take a licking and keep on ticking.

5) Under bed restraints
Yep, sometimes I like to tie her up. These things have a few things going for them.
a) The are quite strong, and work great.
b) They are easy to install/uninstall. I can usually set them up in just two or three minutes, and pull them up to hide them in the same amount of time.
c) They are not expensive.

I have lots of different restraint systems, but this is sort of a staple, so I think errrbody ought to buy a set.

6) Labia spreader
Yep, this product is a little weird. I’m a little weird too, if you haven’t noticed.

I like to get my nose/lips/tongue up in there. And it always makes the gals feel taken care of when I break out some equipment to keep them spread open while I do my community service.

Admit it, you’ve probable never seen a labia spreader before. And that’s exactly why you should check it out. I’m here to open up your mind.

7) Storage
Not as outrageous as some of the other sex toys you see here, but at least as important is storage. Nobody wants nosy busy-bodies prowling through their stuff. I keep mine locked up in my pervert trunk. That’s where I put all my perverted stuff. And truth be told, I have several trunks. Cause I’m a major pervert and I have lots of stuff I need to lock up.

So this is a giant, lockable trunk.

I prefer the Plano stuff. They are very solid. You can stand or sit on these, and stack them with no problem.

You probably want to buy a keyed padlock or a combination lock, too.

8) Keychain cam
Another slight dodge down the path of sextoys, but I like my keychain cam.

I have a thing for watching myself do the deed. And the purty ladies I hang out with all love to be surreptitiously recorded when they are nekkid and moaning.

This particular one is better than some of the garbage I’ve tried. It has a 350 mAh battery which is good for up to 2 hours of recording. I used mine with a 64 Mb SD card. It shoots in 1920×1080 resolution at 30 frames per second.

The quality of the video is quite good, and the audio is always my favorite part.

9) Sex bench
Strap her down and make her frown, that’s my motto.

So the bad news is, this does tend to take up quite a bit of room. The good news is, anybody that walks through my house just thinks of it as a clothes drying rack, because I usually have laundry draped all over it.

This elegant little beast holds 400 lbs and is very stable. The height is just right. And once she’s strapped in, she’s gonna love it!

10) C-ring plus one
My final item for the list is for the sophisticated male (that’s me) who ain’t afraid to let his freak flag fly.

I’m not really into c-rings. Let me assure you, this is an awesome exception.

The straps are stretchy and feel excellent when they squeeze your johnson and your scrote. Then there’s the taint stimulator. Ohhh yeah… there’s that.

If you haven’t found your taint yet, I dunno what the hell you’re waiting for. And this thing, with it’s big black tongue thing, is like having Sherlock Holmes with a magnifying glass up in there.

Put this on right before you get busy with your lady, and you will soon find yourself wagging your ass around like a happy canine. That taint licker/stimulator is something you will chase around. I, uh, well…it’s hard to describe. Trust me on this one.