Maybe you don’t know me very well, but it’s safe to assume I’m a sex toy expert.
I’m a middle-aged pervert, and that means I’ve had plenty of years to kick around the dark, dusty corners of the world (and the internet), discovering the some weird stuff.
What the heck, I might as well share some of it with you!
1) The dual-purpose clit-sucker
Some women like their clit to be directly stimulated. Some women like penetration. Hmm, how about a device that does both? Or better yet, instead of vibrating, what if it actually vibrates and sucks? Oh lordy, some genius came up with this thing and women who try it are pretty much ruined forever.
Her eyes would literally roll back in her head. Have you seen Poltergeist? Yep, just like that. Check it out and see what ya think, but be forewarned.
2) Inflatable penis fight
I know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would I buy an inflatable penis? Hold up, let me tell you how this works.
They like strapping things on, and wagging and thrusting their hips around. Yes, they giggle and laugh. But deep down inside, just for a few minutes, they feel a tiny bit like the mythical MAN, and they love it.
Every time a woman plays with one of these things, she goes and humps the bezeezus out of a dude afterwards. It’s like magic.
I like a little teeth. And you do too. Or at least you will if you try it.
And isn’t this the freakiest yet coolest thing?? See the tongue? And the teeth?
I had to buy one of these just for the novelty of it.
I think this thing is awesome. It is a an 8″ long dildo that also vibrates and has a camera on the end.
They call the camera a “slime-eye” camera, which makes me crack up and giggle like a pothead.
It is wireless up to like 100′. When your ladyfriend jams this where the sun don’t shine, have no fear cause’ this little beauty has 4 LED lights that will keep you abreast of things.
By the way, the app allows you to take screenshots or record video. Ahhhhwesome…
Who hasn’t dreamed about having a gigantic one? I mean like a monster in yo britches.
I wish I had one so big that it was hard to get in. And when it finally went in, the ladies would say something along the lines of “Oh! Ow! Oh my gosh!” You get the idea.
Wellll… this is what I like using.
This behemoth is almost 9″ long and realllly wide and makes everybody moan and gasp.
I like sticking my dick in things. I’m a dude, sue me. I am genetically programmed to put this manly magic wand of mine into every nook and cranny I can find.
The “milker” definitely has the right name. Stick your johnson in there and let it go to work. It is automatic, which (depending on my mood) is my preference. But what I like most about this thing is it both strokes and sucks.
The case that holds all of the stuff also has a big pump thing in it. You connect the air line to the masturbator sleeve. All of the necessary stuff is included in the kit. When you turn it on… the damn angels start singing.
The membrane grips, squeezes, strokes, and sucks. I honestly don’t know how they do this, but it’s goddam amazing. It’s like a hand and a mouth doing their thing all at the same time. Yesssss!
You are probably tempted to click on this link and find out how much this little box of perfection costs. If you are going to do that, I gotta warn you. Prepare yourself. It’ ain’t cheap. The rusty Yugo I drive cost less than this thing. But think about it differently. If you amortized the cost of this lovebox over the number of orgasms it will give you, it’s only like $.50 per orgasm. Not bad at all, hahahaha.
Hint – if you like this kind of stuff, you can check out my previous perverted products review here.