Oh yeah, it’s time.
Time once again for me to deviate from the braless boobs you all love and delve instead into the weird world of sextoys.
Although I like collecting (and occasionally using) unique sex toys, I simply cannot pass up a good gander at the latest and greatest. And based on feedback from the fans, you guys (and gals) are the same way.
So let’s see what I’ve come across lately that is off the beaten path…
How about an 8″ long tongue?
No, we aren’t hearkening back to the days of Kiss, where Gene Simmons would wag his licker and make women stare. Shoot, Gene was only packing what 4″ or 5″?
I can think of several uses for this thing, whether you’re a guy or a girl. And what’s awesome is the thought that you would whip this thing out when you get your date home and her eyes would bug out of her head! Also, this is nearly unbeatable as a party gag gift.
You know what you need in your life? A ball dildo.
No, I am not making this up. Apparently this new device straps to your ballsack and then you can boff your favorite friend using a dildo attached to your balls.
This is quite innovative. I hope they patented this. I mean, I’ve been doing perverted things for like 100 years now, and I never really thought about attempting some kind of penetration with deeze nutz.
While we are on the topic of balls, how about this thing for the greatest idea ever?
Nobody likes schweaty balls. You know how sometimes you are sitting at your desk, or god forbid sitting in your car, and you’re hot and you get swampass and your balls are basically dripping? I think there’s even a song about that – I can hear Sandra Bullock singing the line about sweat dripping down her balls in that movie The Proposal even now.
Basically this thing slides right under your balls and turns the damn thermostat down. I’m considering it a sextoy, because research has shown that testicles that are kept properly cool produce 28% more sperm. They actually call this thing a “male fertility kit”. Now, you and I may not want to be going around making more babies, but errrbody likes to spooge a big load.
Okay, gather around cause I’m about to give you the scoop on some pro-level shit here.
You think you’re pretty slick because you’ve got your Fleshlight or your generic masturbation sleeve, and you’ve got your lube, and when the need or the opportunity arises you can bust that thing and and slide it right in with less than 0.2 seconds on the clock.
But that’s for newbies. That’s for c-level bros, boring amateurs.
The real pros know details matter. You aren’t a wine aficionado because you can gulp down half a bottle of wine in one chug and then belch like a Tennessee redneck. No, you gotta smell the cork. You gotta swirl the wine around in the glass and let it breathe. You gotta take a small sip, and then squish it from one cheek to the next to get the full flavor.
Well the Fleshlight pros warm them up first. Yep, that’s right – you get that extra little “ahhhh” moment when you slide it into a nice warm pocket.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you should get one of these things and try it. And if you do know what I’m talking about, well congrats my man because you are in the elite 1% !
Okay, I’ll leave the balls alone for a minute and we’ll spend some time on the clit.
Your female friend has one, trust me on this. You may not know where to find it, but it’s there, and she wants you to do things to it. Touch it, bump against it, rub it, lick it, you name it. You only thought she wanted you to mess around with her vagina. The clit, in reality, is where it’s at.
And most women are going to dick this clit pumper. It is not that much different from how the male toys that provide suction work. You know how you pump your johnson up, and it gets bigger and more sensitive? Well, that’s exactly how the clit pump works.
Do do yourself a favor, and get one of these. Yes, in reality you’re doing your female friend a favor. But once you pump her clit up to a size that actually allows you to find it, and once you make that thing 2x or 3x more sensitive, you are going to give her live fifty bazillion orgasms, and in so doing you will actually be doing yourself a favor.
You may turn that gal into a stage five clinger!
I’m partial to glass dildos. They are easy to clean because they don’t absorb lube or body fluids. They don’t rip or tear or delaminate. Once they are lubed up, they are ready for action.
And call me a pervert, but I like unique shapes. Like this one.
It basically looks like an octopus tentacle. It has little nubs and ridges all over it, which are going to make for a fun time on the way in and on the way out. I like the little curly-Q on the end, that way when I use it when it’s all lubed up and slippery I don’t lose my grip, and I can really manhandle the thing. I even like the color and the fancy box it comes it. It’s almost like it’s a piece of art. That, uh, you do dirty things with.
The final item for today is the penis stretcher.
I know some of you have seen these around, and are thinking what’s so unique or special enough to include them on this list?
Well, regardless of how big (you claim) your johnson is, it is a strategic advantage to have an even bigger one. Your partner will have more to enjoy, and that means you’re going to enjoy it more too.
There’s ample research to show these things work. Hell, there were tribes in Africa using a similar approach hundreds of years ago.
There are several different versions out there. The one I’m showing here is relatively inexpensive, and it’s almost like an investment that will pay dividends for years to come.