Brace yourselves, cause I’m about to say something stupid: Amber Heard’s pokies are probably the best ever. Nothing wrong with her boobs, of course, and her nipples deserve an award. But when you combine these yummy things with those eyes, and that hair, and those lips, and that face… as cool as I am (and that is VERY cool, as you know), I just can’t help myself. Total infatuation. And lust. And perversion.

Did I mention her lawyer hired a private detective who came and knocked on my mobile home door and told me to cut out the stalking shit?

Although I am a braless ninja, it can be difficult to find pics of certain celebs or certain categories. But I’m going to be honest: Amber Heard is the easiest ever. This girl doesn’t even own a bra.

It doesn’t matter if she’s going to the gym, stepping out on the red carpet, playing badminton with a kitten, praying at church. She sporting pokies, and she don’t care.

Those nips have cause riots, and calmed serial killers. I bet they smell like vanilla and taste like bacon.

Amber has a couple of tattoos. They aren’t an important part of enjoying her breasticles, but since she runs around half-nekkid all the time they’re usually easy to spot. One is a phrase written in a red color and in Spanish. It talks about loving things in secret and in the dark, some gibberish like that. I don’t know about you, but I’d love her with alllll the lights on, right out in the open where errbody could see the copious amounts of love I was giving her. The other one is in Persian. Not sure if we are supposed to assume that she is tri-lingual (Spanish, Persian, Merican)? It talks about the world ending and to be happy since you still exist. If I woke up to Amber’s tattoos every morning, I’d be happy.

This girl gets around. Her most famous manfriend is Elon Musk. I think that’s kind of pathetic, since Elon is mega-geeky, no doubt has no idea how to properly lay pipe, and way too damn busy running several global companies like SpaceX and Tesla to ever give her any attention. She dates somebody new every year it seems, but thankfully her patter is quite clear: she prefers those boobies get groped by older dudes. That’s semi-promising for me, except most of those old dudes are rich and suave and I’m poor and moronic.

She was actually married to Johnny Depp for a couple of years, and he’s older than dirt.

I gotta make sure you know, there for awhile Amber was officially a partner of Tasya van Ree. She is a photographer. That means Amber swings both ways, and I guess likes to munch zee carpet. She is noted as being an activist for various causes, but I’ve never seen her come out for gays or lesbians.

Amber was recently in the Aquaman movie. I haven’t seen it, but I sincerely hope she swishes around in high-def for two hours in a very wet costume. We can be damn sure she doesn’t wear a bra.

I actually first saw her in a movie called Never Back Down. I posted about it here in 2009. When I found that post from 9 years ago, I realized the image links were broken and I fixed them. Nine years ago I would’ve had all my hair and mostly-functioning manparts and would’ve had some hope of giving Amber a dirty sanchez on a beach in the Mexican Riviera. Alas, she’s got hotter and I got older.

She is young, dumb, and (not) broke, and for whatever reason, Bella Thorne doesn’t like her nipples.

I suppose I should freely admit that I had not idea who this gal was. On the one hand, I see her body and think “damn, look what I’ve been missing!” On the other hand… well, my johnson is in my other hand. On the other hand she is popular with a crowd that doesn’t run with old fogies like me.

She currently has 17.4 million followers on her Instagram account (link below). I figure each of her followers paypal’s $1 to her every day begging her to post photos like this one of her mind-numbing cleavage.

Not to rub it in (off?), but she also has 7 million twitter followers. Is that a lot? I mean, that sounds like a lot. She must be insanely popular. Is she gonna run for president in a couple of years?

I feel slightly pervy that I’m rapping on her, considering she’s only 20. I *am* pervy, so I guess I should say I feel incrementally pervy.

I took a look at her filmography, and I definitely did not recognize a single thing on there. She has been active since 2003. Some of the titles sound kinda risque, so she deserves my perverted attention.

Also, as you’ve noticed by now, she likes to dress in a rather provocative manner.

Very important factoid here:
she has admitted that she’s bisexual. The fact that she bats for both teams only increases her desirability.

I can only hope to interject here with my fervent and fertile love of this yellow bikini photo. Yes, I tend to stare at those vacant eyes and thing I would love to bring some life to them. Yes, I lust after her boobies. But her crotch in this pic makes my heart hammer in my chest. Oh, how I would love to stroke that kitty.

She was doing the humpty-hump with Scott Disick. I’m not expert, but I think he was the Long John dating (married to?) Kourtney Kardashian awhile back. I mention this because he is 34, which is only like 70 years younger than yours truly, which proves I clearly have a chance.

Regarding the carpet-munching, she instagram’d herself lip-locking some blonde. This clearly has some impact on her ginormous instragram following.

The interwebz swear that Bella is 5’8″ tall and wears a 30A bra. That simply cannot be true. I have been studying those boobies for a few minutes now, and I’m really quite certain they are a solid B-cup. Errr, maybe C. There is some evidence online suggesting she had a boob job. It’s fine with me either way, but it would help explain the growth.

Frankly, I intended to only post a few photos of Bella’s boobs, but it was kinda hard to stop. I kept going and going. There are plenty of racy pics of her, including the obligatory pokie nipple shots. Hey, that’s why you hit up the celeb pokie section right? Anyway, my self-discipline for not looking is sucky. So I have wasted an inordinate amount of time.

Bella clearly loves to show off and act out. The piercings and the slouching around half nude and documenting it online, yep she has an attention disorder. She swears she does weight lifting, circuit training, and kickboxing. There’s no mention of whether she likes to lift the big sausage, but I’m willing to be her personal trainer in that endeavor.

Her dad was Cuban, and her mom was Italian. I’m not sure where she gets that fair skin… but I’d like to mark it up.

I couldn’t help but sniff around her siblings. Wouldn’t it be interesting if she had a sister or two, and they were even hotter than she was? Welllll… BAM! She does! And they are!

Not to put too fine of a point on it, but her sister Dani Thorne has better boobs than Bella. And her sister Kaili Thorne also has mongo mellons.

Listen, I may be a broke maniac living in a mobile home park and whacking my willie for a hobby, but I’m no dummy. If you have three Thorne sisters with nice boobies, I figured it probably means mamma Thorne has breastacles too. Ummmm, guess what. She does! Yummy! Continue reading Bella Thorne Doesn’t Like Her Nipples →

The hot new thing is the Fifty Shades Freed movie that has hit theaters. Who cares what critics say, anytime a movie celebrates a little kink between two consenting adults I’m all for it. More importantly, this thrusts Dakota Johnson into the limelight, and I’m all for her boobies. Much like a convertible top on a car, Dakota’s chest has two modes. They are big enough to be squeezed up into position and -BAM!- right there in your face. And they are soft enough to be minimized and kept away from all but the most inquisitive (mine) eyes.

It’s much easier to keep up with celebrity cup sizes than it is celebrity gossip and family trees, but here’s a fun piece of trivia – Dakota’s mom is Melanie Griffith, and her dad is Don Johnson. Cue the Miami Vice music! I’m guessing Dakota is a B-cup. It’s possible her breast size could sneak up into C-cup territory, but I’m gonna go with my gut here. There are a few nude pictures of her out there, but due to the fabulous quantity of pokies photos out there, we don’t even have to go nude to assess her nipples. She looks to have some hershey kiss nips. They may spread out and get bigger as she ages or if she has kids.

This girl loves-loves-loves to wear yoga pants. There are plenty of times where photographers catch her out and about in a casual shirt and yoga pants. Her ass is nothing to sneeze at. She’s kind of a skinny gal. Research suggests she’s 5’7″ and 120 lbs. She doesn’t look astoundingly fit or anything, so I’d be a bit surprised if she does more yoga than the occasional pretzel contortionist hump day with her boyfriend. I think she is dating the Coldplay guy Chris Martin. You may want to check her pokies out in this wet, nearly translucent yellow bikini.

She is 28 years old. She has mainly done acting and modeling, although she did attend Aspen Community College which I find quite funny. Imagine stumbling bleary eyed into your 8am economics class and flopping into the seat beside Don Johnson’s hot daughter. Other than the 50 Shades movies, I don’t see much on her list that sound familiar to me:
The Social Network
21 Jump Street
Need for Speed
She’s done Saturday Night Live, and she was in an episode of The Office.

Dakota is 12 years younger than Chris, which makes me think I have a chance. Right? Maybe? I suppose she likes dating older guys. You would too, if sexy-ass Crockett was your dad. She seems to be legitimately sweet and affectionate. There’s always some kind of public display of affection going on between those two. She holds his hand, rubs his back, kisses his neck. (Wait, I’m turning myself on here.) At the same time, she has been rather foul-mouthed in some interviews, saying whatever is on her mind in an un-filtered, unedited way. I don’t think she comes across as bitchy, just genuine.

Now I don’t want to seem like a high schooler with a crush, but Dakota’s eyes are incredible. There’s a photo of her on the red carpet wearing a sparkly pink dress, braless with her boobs on display in a deep, plunging neckline. Her hair is up, and she has deep red lipstick on with some dangly earrings. And her eyes, oh my. Maybe she gets those from her mom. It makes my heart go pitter-pat.

Although she does appear to be wearing a bra beneath this clingy leather thing, you will probably want to watch a good portion of the short four minute clip if you’re like me and can’t get enough of her smoking hot legs. Was she sitting like this, and was the Ellen Show filming her from this angle, specifically to drive us crazy?

If you’re into the celeb pokie thing, you are probably game to check out:
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pokies (from 11 years ago!)
Carla Gugino Pokies
Lynda Carter Pokies

Mariah Carey has been a hot topic lately. There was some kind of flub-up at the New Year’s Eve celebration and her soundtrack messed up and she stomped off stage.

I personally think it would’ve been a lot more interesting if a nipple would’ve popped out and then several old geezers in the audience dropped to the ground with a heart attack, but whatever.

I thought these photos of her running around braless in a white bodysuit might get your attention. As proud as she is of those juggers, it’s rather difficult to find Maria Carey pokies. She’s more about the cleavage thing, and letting you see all the way down to her bellybutton.

She is apparently shopping in these photos, and of course surrounded by some kind of entourage that unfortunately doesn’t include yours truly.

If I were there, I certainly wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes off those nips. I might even flick one with a thumb, just to see if it would completely rip through the fabric at that point.

I’m slightly embarrassed to realize I haven’t posted anything about Maria’s boobs since 2009. This suggests there’s something wrong with me. Or maybe I’m just a crappy webmaster. Now that I think about it, both facts, BAM!

I put a link to some of the previous posts below.

Just to try and redeem myself, I did a search on Mariah Carey implants, and did some stroking reading. Nothing really conclusive, but if you look at some photos of her from her early part of her career, and compare that bosom to her current orbs of amazement, there’s really no denying it.

Now granted, I think she’s had two kids between then and now. But here’s the thing, kids make you boobs grow then shrink. It’s not some kind of perpetual breast enlarger. She’s also gotten a little chunkier since then (hey I’m not complaining), so that could play a role.

Doesn’t really matter. I think they are plenty enjoyable!

She’s a pretty good singer. She always has to do that thing where she screams in a high-pitched voice and she’s not really saying any words she’s just showing off her “range”. That’s annoying.

But anybody who is as hot as she is can get away with being annoying. Especially considering some of the crazy shit she wears. If I weren’t so lazy, I would take a photo of Elvira Mistress of the Dark and photoshop her head off and then compare it side-by-side with Mariah cause I swear sometimes they seem to share the same wardrobe. Realllll heavy on boobie emphasis. Which is right up my alley, yummy.

http://www.bralessblog.com/2009/01/04/mariah-spills-it.html
http://www.bralessblog.com/2007/02/16/braless-mariah-carey-page.html